


Rekindling the Fire

by CobaltStargazer



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Canon Fix-It, Divorce, F/F, Old Feelings, past alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-01-24 23:54:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 20,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1621565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltStargazer/pseuds/CobaltStargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Blake is back at the BAU after rebuilding her career. Erin Strauss is divorced and sober. Will the hurts of the past finally heal, or will they leave new scars?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

So. Erin had stopped drinking.

Before, when she and Alex were involved, the brunette had known that the other woman had had a fondness for gimlets, and that every now and then she got a little tipsy and silly, but she hadn't known the extent of the problem. Maybe she'd been blind to that too, right along with the potential for betrayal.

t had taken her a long time to get over the hurt she'd felt, and she'd thrown herself into working on her marriage as a way to compensate. She never had another affair, and now that James was in Australia on a long-term assignment they Skyped almost every night. Every time Alex even thought about how empty the house felt at night. she reminded herself of how well it had turned out the _last_ time she'd been lonely. And she'd walked a wide circle around Erin since she'd been back, at least as much as she was able.

"Alex? _Alex_."

"Hmm? Oh.":

Spencer looked puzzled, and he adjusted his satchel where the strap rested on his shoulder as he said, "That's the fourth time I've called your name while standing two feet away from you. You look like you're going to need that lunch, because you seem a little spacy."

"I'm fine," she answered, shaking off her reverie. "I was just...wool-gathering, I guess."

 _You were sorting through old news, is what you were doing_.

"Can we take your car?" she asked as they left the building. "I need to get mine inspected before I get pulled over, but I haven't gotten around to it."

"Statistics show that most automobile fatalities occur because of some simple problem that could have been discovered during inspection," Spencer said, falling into step beside Alex as they stepped into the sunshine. She gave him a fond smile, swatted his arm. He'd been a guest lecturer in her classes in the past, and she respected his mind, but she didn't know how he had the capacity to store all of those random facts. 

All in all, it wasn't terrible to be back at her old job. Having been burned once - scalded, really - she knew not to make the mistake of fooling around with someone at work again. It just led to heartache, and sometimes the loss of your professional reputation. Alex was older and wiser now, and she was never going to risk her feelings or her career again.

Even if she had to avoid Erin forever.


	2. Chapter 2

They were so close together, yet so far apart.

Erin had expected confrontation when Alex first came back, for there to be anger and harsh words. The cold indifference she got instead was simultaneously a relief and yet more wounding than any overt insult she could have received. She'd tried to extend an olive branch, make an apology, but the brunette had dismissed it. It was apparently a case of too little, too late. Years too late.

Now she was back to hovering on the far edges of Alex's life, and she hadn't tried to encroach again. Really, it was the least she deserved. In the first few months of her sobriety, Erin had done some hard reflecting on her life, and she'd realized that the rationalizations she'd made to herself about it being the booze that had caused her to hang Alex out to dry were just empty excuses. The fact was, she'd chosen to save herself, and now she couldn't repair the damage.

She'd wondered if Alex was sleeping with Dr. Reid. They spent a lot of time together, in the field and out of it, and every now and then she'd see them with their heads together while they pored over the same case file. It always drove the knife a little deeper, kept the wound from closing. Erin had thought about taking Aaron aside and subtly questioning him. Aaron had been the one to assist her in getting treatment for the drinking, and she couldn't go to David. They'd made a disastrous attempt at dating after her divorce from Paul was finalized and barely managed to end things with their friendship still intact. So that was at least _one_ relationship she hadn't wrecked beyond repair.

_You miss her. And you know why you miss her. Stop being a stubborn jackass and try to talk to her again._

It was probably very sound advice, but Erin still had her pride. She'd made her best effort at mending fences, and Alex had rebuffed her. With good reason, perhaps, but she wasn't going to grovel. If they stayed in separate corners, maybe they could keep from getting hurt again.

And maybe if she stopped salting her own wounds by thinking about the past on an endless loop, she'd finally develop some scar tissue.


	3. Chapter 3

Time passed. Sometimes it dragged, sometimes it went by quickly. Erin and Alex continued to give each other a wide berth in the office unless communication was absolutely necessary. The silence between them wasn't precisely uncomfortable, but it _could_ get pointed.

Penelope was the first one to really notice the tension. She and Alex had gotten off on the wrong foot initially, but the path had smoothed out since then. And the vibe she picked up between the brunette and Chief Strauss was different than the tension when Emily was still around. The hacker watched them surreptitiously one morning after a briefing, then asked Alex to join her for coffee.

"So what's going on between you and Strauss?"

"What?"

Alex paused with the cup halfway to her mouth, and her eyebrows drew together in consternation. She'd thought she was covering up pretty well, but if Garcia had noticed that something was amiss, then the others might have noticed it too. She put the coffee down, tried to think of a good explanation. Or even an excuse.

"We had a professional dispute the last time I was with the unit."

The blonde was dubious, and she pushed her glasses up on her nose before saying, "I know about you being demoted before. After the Amerithrax case. Tough break."

"Yeah, it was....it took a long time to come back from that."

Alex relaxed a fraction. As long as her reasons for being tense around Erin seemed professional, no one would press. She wanted to deflect curiosity, discourage questions. Because then she'd have to talk about it. She didn't want to admit that she'd been foolish enough to fall for someone she worked with. _Especially_ not Erin.

"I know you and Spencer know each other better than we do." Penelope gestured between the two women where they sat in the vinyl booth. "But f you want to talk, get the female perspective or something, I'm always available."

The linguist smiled, relaxing further. Garcia's bright, bubbly personality was a direct contrast to the grim nature of the work they did, which was probably why she'd decided to get to know her better. She needed a stress valve to help her cope with the ugliness.

"I appreciate that." The barista came over and put their sandwiches on the table in front of them, and they fell silent until they were alone again. Alex looked down at her plate, thinking she should have ordered a boxed salad instead. Pastrami tasted better, but leafy green things were healthier.

"I know she's kind of a dragon," Penelope said, stirring another spoonful of sugar into her hot tea. "Strauss, I mean. It's a little better since she...well, I'm sure you heard. I guess some of those sharp edges haven't dulled."

"Mmm."

It was just a noise, one Alex used to cover up the ridiculous urge she felt to defend the blonde. Although what they'd had was long over, her own feelings had been real. It must have been nostalgia that made her want to leap to her defense. Which would have been suspicious. The brunette picked up her coffee. 

"She's a good administrator. A little too focused sometimes, but she wouldn't be part of the brass if she wasn't."

There was a note of something in the way Alex said it, something hidden, and Penelope eyed her before re-adjusting her glass so that they weren't sliding down to the end of her nose. The BAU was a closed environment, and that meant there was probably gossip to be had. She wondered what the Dragon Lady was hiding. Maybe Reid knew. Alex might have told him since they were closer. Penelope filed the possibility away for future examination.

Their respective cell phones buzzed, and the two women checked them. "So much for lunch," Alex said, shaking her head when she read the text. She looked towards the counter for the barista. Maybe she could get a to-go box and take the sandwich with her. One thing the Bureau didn't pay for was food on the short flights on the jet. She lifted a hand when the girl behind the counter looked their way, and she nodded and started towards their booth.

Penelope was gathering her things, and she also asked for a box for her food. Might as well not waste it, because it looked delicious. She might save to save it for after the details of the case were heard, though. Hearing about whatever mayhem the team would be investigating usually killed her appetite.


	4. Chapter 4

When the team returned to Quantico after untangling the case they'd been assigned to, Penelope kept an eye on Alex from a discreet distance. She didn't press about the situation with Strauss and the nature of it, but she was paying more attention now. Even when they went out for the occasional cup of coffee, she kept the conversation light and didn't let on that she was curious.

"I'm _telling_ you, Jayje, something's gong on there."

"I really think you're reading too much into it, Garcia," JJ said tolerantly. "I'm sure Strauss has burned lots of bridges in her day, but Alex is hardly the type to mention it if something did happen. She's a private person and doesn't talk about personal matters in the office. It's probably nothing, anyway."

"Right. I'm sure you're right, I'm making things up."

But the hacker couldn't let it go. She did a discreet search on her computer, checking the database for a connection, and found nothing except for old case files and the occasional publicity photo of Blake and Strauss together. The blonde hurriedly erased history of the search when she saw Derek walk into the bullpen, Reid trailing behind him. 

"Hi, guys," she said brightly, bustling in their direction. Her first instinct was to broach the subject with Reid right there, but with Derek hovering so close by se decided against it. It was enough that she'd mentioned it to JJ. She _was_ curious, but the fewer people who knew that, the better.

"Is there a case?" Penelope asked, and both men shook their heads. "We were just stretching our legs," Reid said, moving over to his desk to pick up a small bronze paperweight he kept there. "There'll be one soon enough, though," he added, beginning to toss the object back and forth from one hand to the other. 

" _Ms. Garcia._ "

The clipped voice from the upper level drew three sets of eyes up the stairs, and Penelope swallowed almost audibly when she saw Chief Strauss on the landing above the common area. She thought she'd been careful, erased the search history quickly enough that it wouldn't even be a blip on the radar. Apparently Big Brother - Big Sister? - really _was_ watching. 

"My office. _Now._ "

The three people in the bullpen stood in tableau for a minute, and then the hacker meekly began to climb the stairs. Derek and Spencer looked at each other. They hadn't heard Strauss really snap at anyone for a while, not since she and Rossi called it quits. Had Queen Bitch come back for a special appearance? Derek winced when the door clicked shut behind Garcia. The uncomfortable silence made the noise seem very loud.

"Ma'am, I can explain..."

"Sit. I talk, you listen."

Erin hated to do this, to risk damaging the new rapport she'd established with the BAU team, but she'd been so surprised when Ms. Garcia's search was flagged before disappearing that she'd actually bordered on panicking for a minute. Emphasizing who was the boss around here in such a way might be unfortunate, but if she _had_ to tighten the reins a bit, she could do that. Better to be a bitch for five minutes than to take the chance that people would discover her other best-kept secret.

"You will not use Bureau resources for personal reasons," she said in an instructive voice, taking a seat behind her desk. "I'm aware that Dr. Blake has a history with the unit, and that not all of that history is pleasant, but if you have questions, you should ask her, not investigate on company time."

And the only thing she could hope for was that Alex wouldn't be spiteful enough to say they'd had an affair, and then she hadn't protected the brunette when her mistake came to light. If asked, what would the linguist say? Her coldness aside, something probably lay beneath that.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Chief Strauss. I didn't think anyone would even notice. It won't happen again." Penelope's voice was low and abashed, and she couldn't quite maintain eye contact. In very small doses, she could handle confrontation, but Strauss was a different matter.

The other blonde studied her critically, letting the silence linger. She didn't enjoy this sort of thing, not the way she once had. Dressing down her subordinates had been something she'd lived for previously. Her brief time with Alex had allowed her to be soft without worry about being judged, of being thought of as weak. With an effort, Erin dragged herself away from the memory. _For God's sake, let the wound heal!_

"Let's see that it doesn't happen again, Ms. Garcia," she said evenly, and the hacker nodded, a relieved expression stealing over her face. "Yes, Ma'am. I mean, no Ma'am, it won't. I'll keep my searches to myself."

She fled after Erin waved a hand towards the closed office door, and the seated blonde studied the featureless surface for a moment before letting out a sigh. In the bad old days, she would have poured herself a drink to celebrate squashing someone like Garcia. At the moment, though, the armor felt very heavy indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex heard about Garcia being called on the carpet because Spencer mentioned it, and she was torn between anger and bitter amusement at the news. _That_ was the Erin she remembered, and wasn't it just like her to select Penelope to pick on? Some old habits clearly hadn't gone out of style.

"Did she say what it was about, Spence?"

"Not to me," her fellow profiler answered. "The whole thing was pretty brief. She was only in Strauss' office for a few minutes, and she seemed okay when she came out. A little shaky, but okay."

In a way, it was comforting. There were ways that the blonde seemed softer these days, less ready to cut someone into pieces, but if she'd laid into the hacker for no discernible reason, then it meant not everything was different. And it gave Alex adequate grounds for keeping her distance. 

She talked to James at night, told her husband that she missed him. When she only had her own hand for company when she was alone in bed, it was his face she imagined and his body she pictured. At least that she was willing to admit. She bought a vibrator from a catalog, had it mailed to the house in a brown-wrapped box. That helped to keep her satisfied.

Things at work progressed. She knew she was under scrutiny, that the damage to her reputation was still being repaired, and she observed protocol and the guidelines of the Bureau in every instance as cases came up and were dealt with. When people were watching every step you took, you learned to manage the balancing act. The tension between herself and Erin remained, a humming undercurrent that neither of them would address.

And then one afternoon, Aaron called her aside.

"Dr. Blake, I'd like to speak with you privately, please."

The two of them retreated to Hotch's office, and Alex sat down with a composed expression on her face, but inwardly she was wary. Aaron was a bit of an unknown quantity, even though they'd worked together a bit before things went sour for the linguist. He was serious, bordering on grim. She'd heard about his wife's murder, and had expressed her condolences upon her return. He'd thanked her gravely, and the subject had never come up again.

"I'd like to know what's going on between you and Chief Strauss."

_Would you really, Agent Hotchner? Which part do you want to hear about first, the part where she fucked me or the part where she fucked me over?_

Alex took a breath. She'd prepared for this, and while Hotch's intense stare had probably made dozens of junior agents squirm and cower, she was an experienced field operative. Her fingers interlocked where she'd placed her hands in her lap. Eye contact was key.

"I'm sure you're aware of my previous difficulties," she said, and he nodded. 

"Yes, I'm aware. But I've observed you since your return, and your interactions with Strauss are markedly different than the ones with the other team members. You're professional, but you're also aloof. Distant."

"Chief Strauss isn't a part of the team," Alex responded calmly. "She's not an agent, she's a bureaucrat."

Aaron's stern mouth threatened to smile, but the expression disappeared before it could actually happen. "I know that she has little field experience, and that in fact she prefers to avoid working cases. But her close proximity to the unit necessitates contact with all of us. Even Garcia." A slight tilt of his head indicated the direction of the hacker's lair, and Alex shifted in her chair. Counted the seconds.

"Are you giving me an order, Hotch?"

"No. What I _am_ saying is that team harmony is vital to our work. Strauss isn't an agent, but she is adjunct to the unit. Whatever tensions exist, I think it would be better if they were addressed. I can't suggest it to her because she's my superior, but I can...gently recommend that you make the effort."

Alex was fighting not to bristle. Just the implication that she was the source of the problem, the creator of it, annoyed her. But she roped in the urge to tell Hotch what was _really_ going on. It was none of his business, for one thing. She had put it behind her for the most part, and if there was still silent hostility on her part, then Erin had earned it. 

The linguist squared her shoulders. She was an adult, and more than that she was an educated professional. Maybe it would be good for them to really clear the air. Even a little yelling was better than strained silence. She blew out a breath into the space between herself and Aaron, nodded slightly.

"All right, I'll make the effort. I'm not promising miracles, but I'll do what I can. If she'll take the stick out of her...backside, so will I."

Now Hotch did smile, just a little bit. It made hm look younger, softened the sharp angles of his face. "That's all I can ask. I appreciate that you're willing to try."

He did wonder what Erin's reaction would be. Only time would tell, though.


	6. Chapter 6

David and Erin had dinner once a week as a standing thing. He would cook, and sometimes she would help. They'd both fought against the knowledge that they were better friends than lovers. He respected her and found her attractive, and she was lonely after the divorce. The kids had taken Paul's side and blamed her for breaking up the family, not just with her drinking but by asking their father to move out. She was beginning to get them back, but it was slow going. David's close proximity had made him seem like an ideal candidate for her next relationship, it just hadn't worked out.

"So how's everything?" he asked as they tucked into the meal. "I know we haven't had much time to talk because we've been so active at work, so how are you doing?"

"Things are going fine," Erin answered with a small smile. "I finished that book you recommended. Military histories aren't quite bedtime fare, but it was interesting from a scholarly standpoint. It's important to never stop learning."

"I didn't know if you'd enjoy it or not," he said with a self-deprecating chuckle. He was drinking coffee with his dinner. Normally he'd have poured wine for himself, but he refrained out of respect for her. Aaron and Derek had known she had a problem before he did, but he'd been supportive in her continued efforts to stay sober. The two of them were old soldiers in a way, and even though their foray into dating had been a bust, their friendship was very important to him. When you'd been married as often as he had, female friends mattered a lot.

"Will you be going on your yearly retreat?" the blonde asked, and he replied, "I haven't decided yet. I'm considering beginning a new book, so the time alone would be helpful, but it seems like each case we work gets a little more intense, takes a little more out of me. I can't tell if I'm getting older or the unsubs are getting sicker."

Erin's smile was sympathetic, and in a way it was a relief to talk about someone else's problems for a change. She'd confided in David how unhappy her marriage had been, that it had been loveless even before she turned to the bottle for solace. It was one of the things he had in common with Alex, that she could say things and not be concerned that he'd scoff. Subconsciously, that might have been another thing that had made her go out with him. Later, she appreciated him on his own merits, but initially his openness to listening had drawn her in.

"If you need someone to talk to about it, I'm right here," she said. "You've been a sounding board for me so often, I feel like need to return the favor."

"Erin, the only thing you 'need' to do for me is be close in case I _do_ need an ear to listen," David said, and he covered her hand with his. Companionable, not presumptuous. It crossed her mind that she could confide in him now about Alex and how it made her feel to be so close to her again. He'd given her the perfect set up for it. There was a level of trust there, and she considered it.

Considered it, and then changed her mind. Maybe some other time, but not now.

"This is very good," she said after a few more bites of her dinner. A deft subject change seemed very much in order. Even if it was David she was talking to, she wasn't ready for that particular conversation yet.


	7. Chapter 7

A week went by after Hotch took Alex aside and 'advised' her to attempt reaching a resolution with Erin. She spent four of those days sulking quietly, then the remaining three trying to think of something to say without revealing that she'd sulked over it. The implication that she was the problem still had her aggravated, but she'd resigned herself to trying to have a conversation. Maybe if she could make the blonde understand her position, this could go away.

"Can I talk to you?"

The linguist had waited until the bullpen was empty, then climbed the stairs to the upper level and knocked on the door of Erin's office. The muted invitation to come in had her squaring her shoulders, then stepping beyond the threshold and closing the door behind her. The interior was almost exactly as she remembered it. She hadn't been in here since she'd been back. The couch was new, though. Alex knew that because they'd been intimate on the old one.

_Stop that._

"Yes, Dr. Blake?"

Erin's voice was cool, her expression neutral to the point of being blank. Beneath that, she was surprised by the brunette's presence, but she schooled her face into a calm mask. She'd tried pleasantries, had offered sincerity, and the other woman had stonewalled her. No matter how much she might want to make peace, she wasn't going to beg.

"Can I do something for you this afternoon?"

Alex stepped closer to the desk, took the chair on the opposite side. The soft leather cushion gave way under her weight. The silence stretched out as they looked at each other. Neither of them were willing to break it, but finally the linguist cleared her throat.

"Hotch - Aaron - said that I should speak to you."

The blonde's expression soured for a moment, and then she made herself look neutral again. The fact that she'd considered going to Aaron herself, if not to get him to intercede then to ask him what he might know about the status of Alex's relationship with Dr. Reid, was beside the point. The man had over-stepped. Yes, he'd helped her when she'd needed it, but damn it, he should have waited to be asked.

"So you're here under protest, is that it, Dr. Blake?"

"Jesus, Erin, turn it off for two seconds. The Ice Queen thing doesn't work on me. I know you too well."

Alex regretted the words the instant she said them, wanted to call them back, but some tiny part of her felt gratified when the blonde's expression thawed a fraction. Her hands folded on the desk blotter, and again the brunette noticed that she no longer wore a wedding ring. She'd known that the other woman's marriage had been limping along for some time, even before they got involved. Had she kept the ring to give to one of her kids one day?

"What do you want, Alex?" Erin's voice was a touch warmer, not quite arctic. The brief flash of temper was better than the aloof demeanor the brunette had sported since her return, and perhaps foolishly she was happy that she could still evoke that kind of reaction from her. Any kind of reaction was better than cold silence.

"I don't know," the linguist admitted. The chair was comfortable, but she shifted restlessly anyway. "I don't know what I want. I'm here because Aaron gave me a very polite shove in this direction, and I'm offended because he seems to think I'm creating an issue where there isn't one. I'm not _certain_ that that's what he thinks, but that's the implication I heard."

Erin broke the eye contact to look at the wall where some of her awards and commendations were displayed. There were a thousand things she wanted to say. _I'm sorry. I know I hurt you when you didn't deserve it, and I regret that. I should have been braver, stronger._ But her pride refused to allow her to say the words, to ask for forgiveness again. The silence stretched out between them.

"Could we have lunch?"

Something in Alex leapt up at the question, and she threw cold water on it. Erin was still looking at the wall. There were pictures of her children on the desk. The one of her ex was no longer there. Considering the times she and Erin had lain entwined on the wide, comfortable couch in the past, she was surprised she hadn't removed it from the office long before this. Was it strange to make love to a man's wife while the image of the person you were cuckolding sat nearby like a sentry? The brunette shut off the train of thought viciously. She hated the way her mind worked sometimes.

"I'd like that." Well, perhaps 'like' was a strong word, but it wouldn't kill her. If nothing else, it would make Hotch happy. If team harmony was really that important to him, she could make an effort. That was what adults did.

"I'll check my schedule and let you know when I'm available," Erin said. She was giving Alex an undefinable look. She didn't know how she felt about a possible detente. A ceasing of hostilities _would_ make things easier in the office, but the eagerness she felt at the idea the brunette was willing to actually sit down and talk had little to do with professionalism. They'd been friends before they'd been lovers, and the return of at least that kind of relationship would be a respite from the occasional sharp loneliness of her new life. Alex would likely never touch her again, and perhaps that was best. But if they could be friends again, she'd be happy to have that.

"Well, you know where to find me," Alex said, and the chair creaked a bit as she lifted her weight out of it. "Just drop me a note on my desk when you know what your time situation is like, and we'll set something up."

"I'll do that. Thank you for coming in."

At the door, Alex paused and looked back. Something she couldn't define had taken up space in her gut. She turned the handle, then stepped out of the office and let the door snick shut behind her. At the same moment, Hotch stepped out of his own office, and they locked eyes. His expression was questioning, and Alex made a face before she nodded. He smiled almost imperceptibly. She went back to the bullpen, annoyed and discomfited and stupidly relieved. 

Relieved and hopeful.


	8. Chapter 8

Lunch became a semi-regular routine. Erin would put a yellow Post-It on Alex's desk suggesting a time, and the brunette would either take her up on it or ask for a rain check.The circle they'd been walking around each other became a little less wide. Relations were undeniably still prickly, but the air no longer actively quivered with tension every time they came into contact. They didn't talk very much while they had those lunches, at least not about truly important things.

Aaron was quietly relieved. Strauss had called him in to see her, and while she'd reprimanded him for intervening, there had been an undercurrent of something else in her voice. Something that had almost sounded like 'thank you'. He'd decided not to examine that. Erin was stiff-necked, and she didn't give thanks easily. He hadn't expected them anyway.

The others also noticed the lessening tensions, and breathed a little easier. The last thing any of them wanted was for Chief Strauss to return to her old self, especially Garcia, who still smarted over the incident about her computer search. When the two women went out for one of their lunches, there was a deliberate lack of attention paid to their behavior afterwards.

Erin was the one who decided to suggest to David that they have a double date of sorts, to invite Alex and Spencer to his house for dinner. She still had no idea if the linguist was having intimate relations with Dr. Reid, and was in fact afraid to ask for fear that the answer was yes. What they said was true, what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. She wanted to keep things smooth between them, and if she started to pry into Alex's life, that small bit of peace between them would cease to exist.

For her part, Alex was puzzled at the request to bring Spence. Yes, they spent a lot of time together out of the field, and she was probably friendlier with him because of their past connection. She discussed it with James during one of their Skype sessions, and when he shrugged it off she decided just to roll with it. She liked Rossi well enough, and his reputation for being a ladies man aside, he had never made a move on her and that was good enough.

"I really appreciate this, Alex," Spencer said as they climbed the stairs to the door. "I needed to get out of the house tonight, and Rossi's a really good cook."

"So I've heard," the brunette answered in an amused voice. Normally she'd have brought a bottle of wine to offer as accompaniment to the meal, but Erin's presence had made her veto the idea. She hadn't tiptoed around the subject of the blonde's sobriety, but she wasn't going to give the appearance of tempting her to drink either. She had never hated her _that_ much.

They had arrived just in time, David having finished preparing something ridiculously complicated. Alex was a decent cook, but when it was usually just her eating what she'd fixed she stuck to simple fare. She complimented the chef several times while they ate and made casual conversation. And she tried to ignore the ever-present knot of anxiousness she felt when Erin was in close proximity. If she wasn't mistaken, the blonde was wearing the exact same dress she'd worn to that Christmas party years ago, the night they'd shared their first kiss. It was like a punch in the stomach to see it again. It was such a _stunning_ shade of blue.

After the meal, David asked Spencer to come look at a book he'd purchased at an auction, a tome he was having trouble authenticating. Reid was loath to leave Alex with Erin, even with the tenuous calm between them, but she waved him away with a smile. She didn't need a protector, not when she knew from experience how to handle Erin. Not wanting to talk to her wasn't the same thing as not knowing how to talk to her. 

In the silence that followed the men's departure, they looked at each other. The blonde said, "Would you like some more coffee? I shouldn't have another cup, but I think I will anyway." 

"Yeah. Yes. That'd be great." 

Erin retreated into the kitchen, and she was kicking herself for choosing this dress. She should have known that Alex would remember, and she was probably angry at her for dredging up the old memory. The look on her face had been there and gone so fast that it might not have happened at all, but she'd seen it. Why couldn't she stop hurting her? 

"So how are you, Erin? How are you really?" 

The blonde continued to deal with the coffee things, but she glanced over her shoulder to see Alex standing in the doorway before she shrugged and faced forward again. It always seemed like they were teetering on the brink of saying something real to each other, of actually addressing the pain, but then one of them would change their mind or be too timid and the moment would pass. Erin moved to the refrigerator to get the flavored milk David used. 

"Things are fine. Hectic because of work, but other than that things are fine." 

Alex blew out a breath, an annoyed sound. It was the damned dress, that blue that brought out Erin's eyes and showed off how beautiful she was. She respected David because of his longevity as an agent, but he must be deficient _somehow_ if he hadn't tried harder to hold onto this glorious woman. And it was complicated because she still resented what had happened and how long it had taken her to recover, but that strange, slithery _something_ had opened both eyes. 

"I mean it," she said, easing closer. Erin was still faced away from her. "Talk to me. Talk to me the way you used to." 

The blonde stared blindly into the open fridge, then closed the door and turned around. "I'm sober," she said matter-of-factly. "Finally. I hadn't realized how far I'd slid into the bottle until I tried to stop drinking. But I stopped, and now I don't want it anymore. I crave it, but I don't give in." 

A silence fell, but it was a short one. This was Alex, and she had asked her to say something real, something true. "I miss my kids. They took Paul's side, and I don't blame them. I drove them away. They're starting to come back to me, but once the trust is broken things can never really be the same. I don't miss their father. He was a crutch, the way alcohol was a crutch. He's not a bad father, but he was a lousy husband." 

Alex's stomach clenched, and that Something was wide awake now. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that he hurt you, if that's what happened." 

" _Are_ you, Alex?" 

The brunette closed the distance, stepping further into the kitchen. She wanted to say something comforting. That was her conscious intention. Erin just looked at her. Up close, there were lines on her face where there hadn't been before. Alex touched her shoulder.

She hadn't meant to kiss her on the mouth. She hadn't meant to kiss her at all, at least not that she was aware. But it was like stepping into a time warp. Or falling down the rabbit hole. Erin's mouth was warm and familiar and tasted like coffee. Her hands moved to cup the other woman's face. 

The blonde made a noise, and her fingers curled around Alex's wrists. This was what lay beneath the surface, a pull so strong that it made them shake. Not even Alex's lingering anger could put out the last of the embers. Erin's insides were quivering. 

"Hey, Alex, where did you guys...go. Oh. _Oh_." 

Spencer was still holding the book David had wanted hm to look at, but it was momentarily forgotten as he hovered on the threshold of the kitchen. He darted a look over his shoulder. Rossi was still in the dining room. Alex and Erin had sprung apart. Neither of them would look at him. Reid pulled it together. 

"Apparently there's dessert," he said n a louder voice. "Something involving chocolate. If you can show me where the plates are, I can help serve." 


	9. Chapter 9

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"That was some kiss."

"I forgot where I was for a minute."

"Mmm."

"What does 'mmm' mean, Spencer?"

Reid was driving Alex home. They'd eaten dessert, then said goodnight to David and Erin after a final cup of coffee. She had fallen into a stubborn silence once they were in the car, and his attempt to draw her out with questions was beginning to annoy her. Profilers could really get on your nerves sometimes. The brunette was looking out the window. She could still feel the imprint of Erin's mouth.

"It means you're lucky that it was me and not Rossi who saw you. He'd have wanted to know what was up. Ex or not, he's Strauss' friend.. He'd have had questions."

"Let him ask _her_ , then."

Spencer drove, trying to puzzle it out. He'd known Alex for a long time, and he'd always thought her marriage to James was a happy one. But he'd seen the longing in that kiss, the way Strauss had been holding onto the brunette's wrists. Apparently everyone had at least one chink in their armor.

"I won't say anything." His voice was quiet when he broke the silence, and he let go of the steering wheel with one hand to scratch his chin. "I wish you'd talk to me, tell me what's going on, but it's your secret to keep. But remember that I'm here to listen, okay?"

That took the wind out of Alex's annoyance, and she looked away from the window to study her friend's profile. Given Spencer's awkwardness around women, she was surprised that he hadn't stammered his way through even trying to have this conversation. Perhaps that awkwardness was only for himself, not for others. The linguist smiled fondly.

"I'll tell you sometime. I promise. I don't know when, but some day."

He let her out in front of her place, and Alex walked up the stairs and let herself in after his tail lights disappeared around the corner. The house was quiet, but it was a very loud kind of quiet. She wondered what James was doing tonight. Was t tonight or tomorrow in Australia? 

She closed her eyes,touched her lips with the tips of her fingers. Felt the press of Erin's mouth, the warmth and the need of the kiss. Let out a long sigh. 

Somewhere underneath the anger and the resentment, she was still in love with Erin Strauss.


	10. Chapter 10

Alex still felt something for her. Erin didn't know whether to be delighted or terrified.

She'd slept restlessly after leaving David's, and her dreams had been so erotic that she'd woken up aroused and frustrated. She didn't know what to do now. She'd thought that Alex hated her, that there was no chance of even really repairing the friendship. But the desire in that kiss had scrambled her emotions. Passion like that couldn't be faked. 

The other concern was Dr. Reid. He'd seen them, witnessed them clinging to each other however briefly, and if he was involved with the linguist as she suspected he was, he could make an issue of it. He didn't seem like the spiteful sort, but the quiet ones could fool you.

She didn't get a chance to speak with him about it. The team was called away on several cases after that, and the blonde waited for the right moment to call him aside. Dr. Reid had a logical mind, almost a clinical one. Surely he'd see reason if she spoke to him.

When the profilers returned from working the last n a string of cases, Erin made an appearance n the bullpen looking for Spencer. Alex looked up from some papers she was examining, her expression questioning. She'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop since she'd been so stupid as to kiss Erin, and she braced herself for an imperious invitation to join the blonde in her office, probably for a lecture.

"Dd Dr. Reid return to the building with you?"

"No, Ma'am," Derek answered, rising to his feet from the chair he'd been sitting in. "He had some personal stuff to take care of after the jet touched down, and he sad he'd be back first thing in the morning."

The brunette felt a minor surge of irritated suspicion. What did Erin want with Spence? Her gaze sharpened. Reid had seen them kissing. She could feel her expression souring.

Erin noted the look, and then pretended she didn't. "Well, if one of you will ask him to come speak with me in the morning, it would be appreciated."

"That was almost polite," JJ remarked from her spot across the room, and Derek nodded. "Yeah. Give her another few years and she'll be saying 'please' and 'thank you'."

Alex excused herself as soon as she was able, climbed the stairs and rapped on Erin's door. "Come in," came the answer, and the brunette turned the handle and stepped inside.

"I want you to leave Reid alone."

The lack of preamble startled Erin, and she paused while looking for a suitable response. Finally she settled on, "I beg your pardon, Dr. Blake?"

The use of her title annoyed Alex, and she said, "I know you. I know how you react when you feel threatened. He told me he wasn't going to say anything."

_You're not going to do to him what you did to me. I won't let you._

The blonde heard the unspoken thing, the words Alex didn't say, and she couldn't help the hurt she felt. Did the brunette really think so little of her that she believed she'd come down on Reid like a ton of bricks? She replayed the night at Rossi's house, the linguist's mouth slanting over hers, tried to reconcile that with this coldness. Had she imagined that warmth?

"So what happened...that was an accident?"

"It was a mistake. _My_ mistake, not Spencer's. And it won't happen again."

Alex was drowning in a maelstrom of emotions. She loved Erin, loved her still, but she resented that she loved her. Why couldn't that have died, been extinguished by now? She knew the blonde hoped for a reconciliation, and she had been trying to make an effort, but knowing what she knew she wasn't sure she could put herself through the pain of being close to her again. Not when she burned for her.

"You believe he'll stay quiet?"

" _Some_ people do mean the things they say, Erin."

The blonde shut off the unhappiness she felt, accepted the words because she knew she deserved them. She had betrayed Alex's trust, and just like with her children, once trust was destroyed you could only get some of it back. Whatever the brunette felt, it couldn't clear the hurdle of the past.

_Say you're sorry. Tell her you love her._

But she didn't say it. Despite everything, she was a proud woman. A stubborn, _arrogant_ woman who had fought long and hard for her position in this office. and while it was cold comfort, it was the only comfort that remained. In the starkness of her sobriety, Erin realized that she had no more crutches. And that was good enough.

"All right, then," she said with finality. "If Dr. Reid keeps his own counsel, he won't have a problem from me. Unless there's anything else, I have some phone calls to make."

_I love you. I hate myself for it, but I yearn for you. I can't sleep at night because I wonder if you still give a damn._

"No, I think that covers it."

"Then I congratulate you on solving this last case. Good afternoon, Dr. Blake."

"Good afternoon, Chief Strauss."


	11. Chapter 11

Reid was the one who realized the Replicator was back.

The severity of the cases the team had been working had gradually become more obvious, and when the clues started to make sense Spencer posited the theory that the copycat had re-surfaced. As the stalking picked up in intensity, they began to marshal their resources. With the entire team under the microscope, measures were taken to combat the threat.

Alex spent lots of time with Spencer, doing research on the history of the latest monster they'd run across. She was steadfastly refusing to discuss the incident with Erin. There were more important things going on than a momentary slip-up. It was annoying enough that she thought about it all the time. Talking about it would only exacerbate the problem.

Aaron and Strauss had discussed taking the BAU out of the equation, both privately and in front of the others, and the decision was made to stick with the investigation. Erin refused to make the team members victims, and that was why she decided to venture into the field herself, to ensure support from the higher-ups.

Alex was conflicted when the blonde said she'd be taking an active part in the case. The pull between them was like a living thing when they got too close to each other, and having to pretend she felt nothing was taxing her to the point of exhaustion. She spoke with James on Skype as often as she could in hopes of relieving the tension, but it never quite disappeared.

Hotch instructed her to take Erin back to her hotel room and go over some details, and she reluctantly acquiesced when she realized it wasn't entirely a request. She knew that if Aaron was aware of the full extent of her history with the blonde that he likely wouldn't have insisted that she try to make peace with her, and this was one of those times when she cursed her unwillingness to discuss the past or her personal life.

They barely talked on the elevator ride, and once the door was closed behind them Alex said, "So what needs work? I'd like to sleep in my own bed tonight. I feel like I haven't had a decent night's rest since this started."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you alone. This was the only way I could think of to accomplish that."

The brunette stared at the other woman, and then she snorted. "For God's sake, Erin, I really think we've talked enough. Or is there some ground you've left untilled?"

The blonde had anticipated that reaction, and she steeled herself as she said, "I know you're still angry. There's a lot be angry about."

Erin wasn't sure where she'd gotten the courage to face this again. Sometimes Alex's way of doing things, avoiding the subject, seemed like the best plan. But she couldn't live this way anymore. She didn't have to beg, or to underline what she'd already said, she just had to make herself clear.

Alex had her arms folded tightly across her chest, hands grasping her elbows, and she didn't know if she wanted to laugh or scream. She should have told Aaron what he could do with his instructions. She didn't want to go over this again.

"What do you want me to say?" she asked after a strained silence. Her voice was low and angry, but there was a thread of something else underneath it. "That I forgive you for tearing my guts out? I risked _everything_ for you. My job, my marriage, the life I'd made with James, everything. If anyone had found out we were sleeping together, it would have ruined me long before you got the chance to do it yourself. I took that risk because I wanted you so much I couldn't breathe."

She was teetering on the verge of yelling, and she struggled to calm herself. But having been pushed to what she felt was her limit, she couldn't have stopped herself until she'd sad at least that much. Alex stalked over to the window, where the curtains were drawn back, stared out at the night.

It hurt Erin to see Alex like that, her usual closed-off demeanor falling to the wayside. She folded her own arms so she could keep her hands to herself rather than touch. "You're right," she admitted quietly. "I sacrificed you to save myself, and there's no way I can undo it. I would if I could, but I can't."

"You threw me away." The linguist's voice was squeezed. "You threw _us_ away."

Erin took a step in the brunette's direction, then another, then another. The fingers of one hand touched long brown hair, lifted it away from the side of Alex's neck. Her mouth brushed the spot beneath the other woman's ear, a place she had kissed her dozens of times in the past. There were no words she could use to cancel out what she'd done, but if she couldn't tell the linguist she was sorry, she could show her.

The soft contact made Alex close her eyes. Erin even smelled the same. The first time they'd touched each other had also been in a hotel, and in the Now she ached in a way that made her loathe herself. Why did love make her such a weakling?

She turned around fast, claimed the blonde's mouth in a hard kiss. In the moment of it, her one thought was that if she could exorcise what she felt, burn it out of her system, then her life could return to what it had been before Erin wrecked it. Before she'd given Erin the power to wreck it. She backed the blonde towards the bed, her hands roaming over the familiar form through the other woman's clothes.

It was like a tidal wave, the rush of sensations, and at first Erin welcomed it. Alex had always been able to overwhelm her, undo her control, and she had missed her desperately. The world was the brunette's tongue in her mouth and her hands taking stock of her curves. They ended up on the still-made bed, kissing, touching, groping.

But when Alex started to undress her, Erin grabbed for her wrists because of the impatience in the other woman's hands. Not just impatience, roughness. Her hands tightened, trying to still the movements.

"Alex. Alex, no. Not like this."

The brunette hated herself all the more at that, but she yanked her wrists free of Erin's grasp. "We do this my way or we don't do it at all."

The two of them looked at each other, and Alex saw resignation steal over Erin's face. Resignation and something way too close to defeat for her own comfort. But wasn't this what she'd wanted? To strip Erin of her defenses and protective layers so that she could use her, then cast her aside? To purge the last of what she felt? The linguist paused, looked at those gorgeous eyes, and then....

She couldn't do it. She couldn't hurt her deliberately.

Her touch resumed, but it had slowed, become gentle. Her hands caressed instead of groped. She kissed Erin thoroughly, her tongue asking for permission to enter her mouth. Dark hair fell in a curtain over their faces.

The blonde was a little afraid to react, but the renewed tenderness soothed her fear. Alex was a lot of things, but she wasn't cruel. Erin was almost undressed. Her body had changed while they'd been apart, matured as the years passed. The brunette was still fully clothed. She had started to work her way down.

Alex was kissing, nipping, licking her way over warm skin. Erin's body was as familiar to her as it had ever been, despite the span of time since they'd been together this way. The thatch of blonde pubic hair between the other woman's legs was soft against the linguist's fingers. The tip of her tongue traced the old scar from when she'd given birth. Erin shuddered.

She started to lap at her, flicking her tongue over the moist folds of her cunt. Gently. _So_ gently. Erin had always had the sweetest taste. The blonde opened her legs wider, looked up at the ceiling before directing her gaze downwards to what Alex was doing. A soft sigh escaped from her lips. Hot breath blew on her sensitive flesh, and she squeaked in surprise, then moaned when the lapping resumed.

_So long. It's been so long._

Alex grasped Erin's hips when she started to move in time with her licking, but she didn't speed up. The hard little bud of the blonde's clit was begging for her attention, and she ignored it deliberately. Some things were worth savoring. She might hate that she loved her, but she was still lit from within by that love.

Fast, then slow. Slow, then fast. Erin's moans were loud in Alex's ears. Grapefruit. It was like eating the world's juiciest grapefruit. 

"Alex. _Alex_. I...I...I love you."

The brunette's rhythm stuttered, almost stopped, but it would have just been cruel to strand the other woman. She'd never not gotten her across the finish line before, so why start now?

Erin cried when she came, just burst into tears from the relief and the joy of it. She didn't know what would happen next, or if there was a 'next', but for these few minutes there was peace and contentment. 

When Alex had eased the other woman through the aftershocks, she took up space on the other side of the bed. She could still taste that sweetness on her lips and tongue. Her eyes were closed. How long could she get away with ignoring this?

And then she felt weight on top of her.

Erin's nakedness was a sharp contrast to Alex's fully-clothed state. Her hair was a mess from having raked her fingers through it repeatedly. Her blue eyes were very dark, like the ocean after a thunderstorm. She tasted herself on the brunette's mouth when she kissed her.

"Now it's my turn."

She started to work on the linguist's clothes, peeling them off. Alex squirmed uncertainly. "You don't...you don't have to."

"Shh. I want to. I've wanted to for months."

And then there was a warm, wet mouth on her breast, a tongue swirling around her nipple. Fingers inside her. It was like falling, like plummeting from a great height with nothing but the wind to catch you, to either bear you aloft and let you soar, or let you crash to the ground in a broken heap.

This was love.

It didn't take Alex as long to finish, but she cried just the way Erin had. The blonde kissed her on the forehead, a strangely chaste gesture all things considered, and then snuggled down behind her. The moments here seemed like a soap bubble, and with the day the bubble might pop and disappear, but to have touched each other just once more was more than she - than either of them - could have hoped for.

Tomorrow would take care of itself.


	12. Chapter 12

Alex had left Erin sleeping instead of waking her, too uncertain about the events of the previous night to want to risk having a conversation about what had happened. She took a fast shower, then got dressed and went out to pick up breakfast. She wanted to clear her head, compose her thoughts before she had to talk about this. Last night had been a perfect storm of want and need, and she knew the blonde would want to discuss it. Maybe it was time to stop running away.

She was gone from the room for a little over an hour, having lingered over her food, and when she used the spare key card to let herself in, the rumpled bed was empty. The brunette was carrying a still-warm bag with sausage biscuits in it and a styrofoam cup of coffee. She listened for the shower, heard nothing. Put the bag and cup down on the table.

"Erin?" No answer.

The linguist poked her head into the bathroom, found that also unoccupied. The towels were neatly arranged on the rack attached to the wall. The washcloths were dry. Alex knew because she touch-tested them. Her eyebrows drew together, and she returned to the main area of the room. 

"Erin?" Silence.

The other woman's go-bag was where it had been the night before, closed on the dresser.The brunette moved towards the bed, and that first frisson of worry touched the back of her neck when she saw the little bottles lying on the floor. Airplane-sized bottles from the minibar. Rum, scotch, vodka.

No. Oh, no.

Alex dug out her phone, punched in Dave's number. Rossi's room was a floor below Erin's. They had both demurred when it was suggested that they double up. Alex counted the seconds as she waited for him to pick up. Her heartbeat had picked up speed, a fast _thump-thump_ in her chest. This felt bad.

"Rossi."

"Is Strauss with you?" _Please say yes._

"No, Alex, she's not." The other profiler sounded sleepy, and the brunette closed her eyes. She shouldn't have left her alone. After how close they'd been last night, Erin might have taken her absence as a silent rejection. _Another_ rejection. She looked at the bottles where they lay on the floor. Scrubbed a hand down the side of her face.

"You haven't heard from her at all?"

On the lower floor, David sat up in bed and began to gather his wits. The clock on the bedside table said it was just past nine a.m. Alex sounded...something. "She isn't in her room?"

"I stayed here last night, went out to get some food this morning," the brunette hedged. "When I came back, there was no sign of her." A pause. She toed one of the discarded glass containers. "The minibar's been raided. There's a bunch of empties near the bed."

" _Damn it_." Rossi got out of bed, the last of the drowsiness chased away by Blake's words. He'd worried about Erin's stress level because she was so seldom in the field. "Let me get dressed. I'll be there in ten minutes."

It took him fifteen minutes to arrive, and Alex was pacing by the time she heard the knock. Dave looked tousled, and the linguist pointed towards the troubling array of bottles on the floor. He ran his hand through his already unruly hair. "Is her phone here?" 

"No. I checked her go-bag, and she must have taken it with her."

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she'd been so _stupid_ to leave Erin by herself. Even if she hadn't wanted to talk, there was no need to just leave without a word. Why did hotels have to offer a minibar, anyway? Alex tried to control the rising panic she felt.

Rossi was punching numbers on his phone, looking out the window down at the street. "I'll call her," he told the brunett6e. "Even if she's been drinking, she'll probably answer. No one can resist a ringtone."

He waited, still looking at the view without really seeing it, and after three rings, a male voice on the other end said, "Agent Rossi. Good to hear from you."

Dave frowned, and the frown quickly turned into a scowl as he asked, "Erin? Where is Erin?"

"Oh, she's here. She's not feeling very well right now, though. Little sick to her stomach."

"Who is this?"

"She didn't remember me, not at first. I had to explain it to her over a few drinks."

"Who _is_ this?!"

"Give me that phone."

Rossi handed the phone off to Alex, and the linguist pressed it hard to her ear without speaking for a moment. She could hear breathing, but nothing else. Her inner panic turned to dread, and she fought off the clenching of her stomach long enough to say, "Who is this, and where's Chief Strauss?"

"Alex Blake..."

The false warmth in the voice made Alex's skin crawl, and it scratched at something obscure in the back of her mind. A faint memory, a recollection of days gone by. There was a greasy taste in the back of her throat, and she tried to swallow past it. The hand holding the phone trembled just a fraction.

"You're the Replicator."

"Smart girl. Wouldn't have expected any less of the Bureau's best and brightest. Or is that the once and future failure?"

 _Don't hurt her._ She almost said it out loud, but Rossi was right there and she already felt guilty enough. And most unsubs tried looking for weaknesses, probed for sore spots .Anything to gain an advantage. It stood to reason that the team's stalker would have done his homework. She had to be calm. She had to think. But, oh God, Erin....

"Is she still alive?"

"For now. She's not in great shape, though. Seems like she's lost a step or two. And she can't hold her liquor worth shit anymore."

_I will put a bullet in your head._

Rossi was across the room, having located his work cell. He punched in Aaron's number, , then spoke in a low, urgent voice so he wouldn't be overheard. "The Replcator's been here. He's taken Strauss somewhere. Blake's got him on the phone. Get Garcia to try and triangulate the GPS signal. He's using Erin's phone, so he must be feeling pretty confident right now."

"Who are you? What's your name?" Alex was still calm on the surface, but beneath that there was a terror unlike anything she'd ever experienced. Terror and rage. And guilt. Because this was her fault. This guy knew her. Knew her in a different way than he knew the others. "How do I know she's still breathing? What's your proof?"

"Alex, Alex, Alex..."

That oily voice sounded reproving, and the linguist resisted the urge to throw the phone against the wall. _Gather your wits_ , she ordered herself. _It's not going to help anything if you come unraveled._. "Let me talk to her."

There were a few seconds of silence, and then Erin's slurred voice said, "I didn't mean to drink. He forced me." She sounded as if she'd been crying. Alex clenched her teeth. "It's all right, Erin," she said, cutting her eyes towards David. He had gotten off the phone with Hotch, who had contacted Garcia. "I know you didn't want a drink. We're going to help you."

"Time's up."

The man's voice was back, sounding more clipped than before. "I gotta run, Alex, but it's nice hearing from old _friends_." He almost sneered the last word, and then the phone went dead as the call was disconnected. Frustration simmered beneath the surface as the linguist looked at the contraption in her hand. She wanted to scream, but she was afraid that if she started she'd never stop. This was her fault somehow. This guy knew her, and she might have led him right to Erin, and oh God, this was her _fault_.

"Alex."

It was Rossi's voice, and his grim expression snapped her back to reality. "Did we get a location?" she asked a little numbly. "Within at least a few city blocks, but there's a lot of ground to cover. Hotch is calling the others. They'll be here soon."

That meant Reid was on his way. Spencer would see her inner panic, and he'd talk her down. He was the only one who had even a hint that something had happened with Erin before, and even his knowledge of the situation was marginal. But he would see. He would see, and he would help.

_I love you. I won't let him hurt you, not any more than he already has. This is my fault, and I'm sorry. Just stay alive until I get there._


	13. Chapter 13

"They can't save you, you know. You're only alive because I'm not through having fun yet."

He kept saying that. She _wished_ he'd killed her. Anything but force her to take that first drink. The room was spinning, making her dizzy, but she couldn't slump down in the chair. She had to sit up straight or the bomb would go off. She wished he'd killed her, but she didn't want to die.

"They'll come. She said they would."

Erin heard him snort, and she tried to focus. She hadn't known him at first, hadn't recognized him. It had been so long since the Amerithrax case that some of the aftermath had slipped her mind. Alex she remembered, of course, but there were other reasons for that. She hadn't remembered John Curtis until he'd put a gun to her head and told her to drink. She'd tried to fight him off, and he'd broken her left arm. It dangled uselessly at her side. In an absurd way, being so drunk wasn't that bad, because it dulled the screaming pain of the break.

"You ruined my life, you know that?"

His voice was conversational, almost chatty, but there was nothing behind his eyes. It was like he was contacting her from outer space. Erin wanted to be sick, to throw up the contents of her stomach before he could force-feed her some more booze. But if she moved, the pressure sensor attached to the seat beneath her would cause the explosives he'd wired up to detonate. John didn't care if he died. He'd explained that in detail. But the blonde wanted to live. To see her children again. To see the sun come up.

For the others to come get her. For _Alex_ to come get her.

"They're going to kill you, John."

The Replicator smiled. It was like watching a doll smile. "I'm sure they will," he answered. "But you'll probably be dead before they get here. Your tolerance isn't what it was before you dried out. If I can kill Blake too, that'll be gravy. But you're the main event."

The lunatic Erin was alone with actually _chuckled_ , and she shuddered with revulsion. He turned away from her, and she felt her arm throbbing dully beneath the haze of drunkenness. If he had wanted her dead, he'd have blown her brains out when she first tried to fight back. He wanted to make her suffer first.

He faced her again, then approached the chair. There was a bottle of Smirnoff's in his hand. He'd already uncapped it.

"Bottoms up, Chief Strauss."


	14. Chapter 14

"His name is John Curtis."

With the exception of Garcia, who had remained behind in case they managed to establish phone contact again, the team had gathered in Erin's hotel room. Aaron and David had taken the two chairs at the table by the window, Derek was sitting on the bed, and Spencer and JJ remained standing near the wall. Alex was ludicrously reminded of giving one of her lectures at Georgetown. Her chest was tight, and she hadn't taken a full breath for what felt like hours. Hotch and Rossi had wanted to hear some background once Alex remembered where she'd heard that smarmy voice before.

"He was one of the agents who worked on the Amerithrax case," she continued, her voice nearly a monotone. "He was also demoted, then was sent to some little office in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. His career never recovered."

"So this is revenge?" 

The linguist lifted her shoulders in a shrug, then nodded in response to Hotch's words. Their presence had helped her pull it together, but she was impatient to go and start the search. The guilt on her shoulders was getting heavier with each passing second, and all this talk wasn't solving anything. Erin might be already dead, and if she was...

"He's carried this grudge for a long time."

That was JJ, and the blonde agent shifted in her spot against the wall. It had been an offhand remark, the observation of a profiler who had seen her share of monsters. She was worried for the Chief too, since she'd seen the photographs of what the Replicator had done to his other victims. What she hadn't been prepared for was the way Blake's posture tightened up.

"What are you implying, Agent Jareau?"

"That wasn't an implication," JJ answered in a confused voice. She saw Reid rub a spot above his left eyebrow. The temperature between the two women dropped a few degrees. "I was just..."

"You were 'just' being thoughtless," Alex said in a clipped voice. She had folded her arms tightly across her breasts. The breasts Erin had had her mouth on a few short hours ago. Was she still alive? How badly was he hurting her? Why weren't they _moving_ yet?

JJ's confusion had turned into annoyance, and she pushed off from the wall. "I don't know what you think you heard," she said evenly. "But I wasn't _implying_ anything. Although considering the chip _you_ had on your shoulder about your demotion, I'm surprised you can't relate."

 _That_ had been a thoughtless remark, but it hit Alex where it hurt, and added to the guilt. She bristled, drawing herself to her full height.

"So you're saying she deserves this? That I _wanted_ her to be hurt? How much of an imbecile can you be?"

" **Hey**."

"Alex."

Morgan and Reid spoke up at the same time, but it was Spencer's use of her name that made Alex pull back. Except for him, they were all staring at her. The breath she took was shaky. The band around her chest had tightened. "I need some air," she muttered.

"What was that?" David was looking back and forth between JJ and the door to the balcony, which Blake had used to step outside. 

"Spence?" The blonde sounded querulous. She'd never seen Alex fly off the handle that way, not even momentarily. 

Reid rubbed the spot above his eyebrow again. "Give me two minutes," he told Hotch, and Aaron nodded. Reid was the one who had known Alex the longest, and they'd have to trust him to get er through this.

"You know she didn't mean what you heard."

"I don't care what she meant. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know Erin either."

Erin. Not 'Strauss', but 'Erin'.

Alex felt Spencer's hand on her shoulder, and she resisted the urge to shrug off the attempt at comfort. She _had_ hated Erin for a long time; for making her love her, for making love to her as if it mattered and then coldly betraying her, and even last night might have been nothing more than nostalgia. That 'I love you' didn't mean as much when it happened in the middle of sex. She had said it, though, and Alex hadn't.

But the opposite of love wasn't hate, it was indifference. And she'd never been indifferent about her. Love her or loather her, she'd always felt _something_ when it came to Erin. The brunette shivered.

"Feelings are complicated." Reid was still touching his friend's shoulder. Alex's fingers covered his hand. His grasp tightened, then relaxed.

"Just tell me she's alive. I'll believe it coming from you."

"Don't give up hope." Spencer wanted to give assurances, to say the words because she wanted to hear them so badly, but if he promised and it turned out not to be true, that would be a betrayal all by itself. "As long as you believe in your heart that she could still be alive, then the possibility is there."

She tried to chuckle, and it was a watery sound. "Do you have a Kleenex?" 

Reid let go of her shoulder, offered her a cloth handkerchief. In the dim light, she saw his initials stitched into the fabric, and that made her smile. Spencer's affectations were adorable.

"All right. I'm all right." The iron band had loosened microscopically, and Alex handed the square of cloth back to Spencer, who pocketed it. "Let's find her while there's still time."


	15. Chapter 15

The black SUV moved nearly silently down the street, headlights adding to the illumination of street lamps. David had asked to be paired with Alex when the team split up, and she hadn't argued. It was just a relief to be out of that room. He was driving. She was alternating between studying the coordinates Garcia had sent and looking out the window. Cities were ideal hiding places.

The radio on the seat crackled, and she picked it up. "Who's there?"

"We've hit a dead end," Morgan's voice said. "We're turning around and joining you and Rossi. Hotch and JJ just radioed in, said they'll be doing the same."

"Right. Thanks, Derek." The brunette let out a sigh that was meant to steady her nerves as she set the radio back down. It helped, but only a little. The night beyond the windshield seemed vast, unfathomable.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Rossi's voice was so calm when he spoke that the actual content of the question blew right past Alex at first. And then she heard it, heard it and registered it down in her guts where the icy, crawling terror lived. She stopped looking out the window and stared at Dave's profile. He kept his eyes on the road. The radio made noise, but it was just static.

Her first instinct was to deflect the question, either deflect it or ignore it. She'd been hiding it for so long, not just since she came back to the BAU but before that, that to have David figure it out in the space of ten minutes made her feel absurdly transparent. She was still staring at him. He was still watching the road.

"How did you know?"

"I didn't, not until I thought about why you lost your temper back there," he replied. "You weren't just angry, you were offended at the suggestion that you'd want to cause Erin pain. And that even if you had wanted to, you'd never have actually done it."

Alex looked down at her lap, then went back to examining the street. She was remembering the previous night, how she'd wanted to take her anger out on the blonde in bed. To _punish_ her. The decision to be tender with her instead had left her conflicted, but it also meant that her love was stronger than her hate. She coughed into her hand. Felt ridiculous.

"Do the others..."

"I don't think so. Probably not, actually. They were probably so stunned by you raising your voice that they didn't examine your reasons," David said. He glanced at her briefly, then looked away again. "But I've had three wives. No woman I was ever married to yelled unless she'd really reached the end of her rope. And I feel a little...all right, a _lot_ ...foolish that I didn't spot it sooner."

Alex couldn't believe she was having this conversation. Or that David was taking it so well. Her estimation of him went up a few notches. And that helped her tamp down the worry she felt. "You're not angry?" she asked a little incredulously. "She told me that the two of you stopped seeing each other because you weren't compatible, but I wouldn't want to...interfere."

"Alex."

He looked at her again, and she made herself maintain eye contact. "Erin's an amazing woman, and there might have been a time when she'd have been the next Mrs. Rossi. But she's right, we're not compatible. We're very good friends, but as anything else, it's a non-starter."

The linguist tried to smile, but it was so tremulous that she stopped. "I'm terrified for her, Dave." Here, in the confines of the car, she could tell Rossi what she hadn't even told Reid. 

"So am I," David admitted, and then the two of them fell silent when the lights of one of the other SUVs appeared in the rear view mirror. "So am I, Alex."


	16. Chapter 16

The team arrived at the last location in a silent procession, and Hotch and Rossi conferred quietly before taking point. Derek and JJ followed after them, and Spencer and Alex took up the rear. Alex had retreated into herself, and her thousand-yard-stare was beginning to worry Reid. He'd tried to talk to David about it, but the older man had cut him off, saying there was no time. 

"Remember, the primary goal is to secure the hostage," Aaron said, and even as he said the words he couldn't believe he was talking about Strauss. They had an ambulance waiting. It would cease to matter if Curtis had already killed her, but they were proceeding as if she were still alive. High powered flashlights pierced the gloom as the profilers advanced further into the shadows. "Once she's out of danger, we can deal with Curtis."

Somewhere in the darkness, a soft moan was heard, and Derek trained his light in that direction. "Hotch," he muttered, and Aaron followed the noise as well.

Erin was still clinging to consciousness, but she reeked of alcohol. He'd left her alone, and her hands gripped the arms of the chair to keep herself upright. She was dimly aware of the approaching lights, and squinted as they got closer.

Alex's head was filled with white noise. At some point, she'd shut down most of her emotions, locked them up in a tiny corner of her mind where they couldn't make trouble. If the Replicator saw her fear, he'd kill Erin just for the fun of it. That was what psychopaths did. She had to be smart, smarter than him. In all her years with the Bureau, past and present, she'd never shot anyone in the line of duty. Tonight, she might break that long streak.

"You...you came."

Erin's voice was slurred, barely audible. Her head lolled backwards bonelessly, and she tried to focus. That ugly voice broke her train of thought.

"That's far enough."

David stopped first, then Aaron. The others went still in response. In the middle of the static that was crammed into Alex's brain, a long scream was trapped. He looked...he looked _ordinary_. Older than when she'd seen him last, obviously, but as long as you didn't look at his eyes he could have been anyone. Aaron still had his gun trained on the Replicator's chest. He stepped closer to the chair where Erin sat. One hand touched her hair, a falsely gentle caress. The linguist wanted to kill him.

"Alex." 

"John."

"See, you _did_ remember," he said mockingly. "Once you put that big brain of yours to use, it really pays off."

"Let her go, Curtis," Aaron said, drawing the lunatic's attention towards him. Those flat, lightless eyes blinked once.

"She's almost used up anyway. Held out longer than I thought she would. But I guess once you've spent years pickling your liver, it takes a while to really get out of shape for hardcore drinking."

"Let her go." The lack of emotion in Alex's vice matched his, and he gave her a smile that was all teeth and no feeling. "Can't. If she moves, she goes boom. Why do you think she's fighting so hard to sit up straight?" John put his hand on Erin's shoulder this time, gave it a slight push. When the others brought their guns up, he put his Glock to her temple. 

"My life for hers."

"Blake!" Aaron snapped, and Reid started. The only one who wasn't surprised was David. Alex was trying to think ahead. Get Erin to safety. That was the most important thing. 

"Alex, no," the blonde said weakly, and the brunette shut out the plea. _If you die, all the light goes out of the world anyway. I won't be able to live knowing that I indirectly killed you._

"I'll stay if you let her go," she continued, and he was looking at her, into her, _through_ her. Weighing his options. 

He'd _wanted_ to kill them both anyway, and Strauss was so far gone from the force-feeding that alcohol poisoning was probably setting in. His eyes flicked towards the chair, the pressure sensor that was attached to it. He made a _tsk_ sound, then crouched down near were Erin had been forced to sit. He laughed at her stricken expression.

"Don't worry, Chief, I'll make it quick and painless for her."

"You're gonna let her do this?" Derek asked Aaron in an angry whisper.

"Our priority is to get the hostage out first," Hotch answered. "Without fresh victims, an unsub has nothing to bargain with."

David took several fast steps in Alex's direction, but Reid was already there. "You don;t have to do this," Spencer said. "This is what he _wants_. "

""It's not over yet, Spence," the brunette said. Her dark eyes drifted towards Rossi, and she smiled at him. "I swear on my love, it isn't over."

The Replicator had dealt with the bomb so that t wouldn't go off, and he stood up with a flourish. "You want her, take her." Erin slumped forward, half-conscious. Derek reluctantly stepped forward, gathered her up in his arms because she couldn't walk under her own power.

"Alex...please..."

"Take her out of here, Derek."

The linguist was well aware that this was very possibly the last time she'd see Erin, but her brain was coming out of the cocoon of nothingness. She was smarter than Curtis was. That was how she'd fought her way back to the BAU in the first place. Not even Erin's sabotage had taken away her brains. She would have to think very clearly and decide what to do next. Because they were going to leave her alone with the madman, or at least retreat to a safe distance. As long as the blonde survived this horrible night, all was not lost.


	17. Chapter 17

Once Aaron and the others were out of sight, Alex faced off with Curtis. She was already breathing easier knowing that now they stood a chance of helping Erin. He'd taken her gun and her official ID. He was holding her badge up to the light, watching it gleam softly.

"I wanted one of these. Behavioral Analysis Unit identification. I would have had one if she hadn't ruined my chances. The two of you together, I mean."

_Play along at first. Get him to talk._

"I had to fight her to get a spot. Do you seriously think she wanted me around after she tried so hard to get rid of me before?"

He laughed, a rusty sound. He'd pulled up the other chair, was leaned back in it as if he had all the time in the world. There were several empty bottles nearby. Her heart hurt for what he'd put the blonde through. Alex had regulated her breathing.

"Then why did you want me to let her live? Why not let me finish it?"

"It wasn't for her," Alex said in a dismissive voice, summoning up all the anger, the hatred she'd felt when Erin got her demoted. To behave as f it had happened yesterday. "She claims she regrets it. Maybe she does. But the worst thing you can do to someone like that is treat them as if they're insignificant. Not to criticize, John, but if you had made her a martyr, she would have won."

The madman glared at her, and she held his gaze steadily. She could see the wheels turning behind that lizard-like stare. He picked up her service weapon and got to his feet. He pressed it to her temple, then dug the gun into the side of her head.

"I could make a martyr out of _you_ instead. How would that be?"

"You're not going to kill me, John."

She said it calmly, but her heart was thundering in her ears. Mental pictures flashed through her brain. James. Spencer. Erin. People she cared for, people she loved. She hadn't come in here because she was resigned to her own death. The pressure relaxed, and he stepped away from her a bit.

"What _do_ I want, then? You're a profiler. Profile me."

She looked up at him, studied his face in the poor light. He'd gotten older, the way she had. But he'd slipped a gear, and she hadn't. She could never have gone this route. But she knew the mindset of someone who could.

"To be remembered. To go out with so much noise that the echoes last for days. To be the man who out-smarted the FBI's elite, then died on his own terms. That's why you took Chief Strauss, in the hopes that you could cripple the Bureau, or at least severely wound it."

The Replicator was smiling at her, and the expression was so unpleasant that she could barely stand to look at it. He'd put the gun down. She couldn't get to it from where she was. He waved a hand at her. "Go on. I"m _fascinated_ , really."

"There's one flaw with your plan, John," Alex said evenly. "There's always another psychotic waiting in the wings. Whether it's tomorrow or next week or even next month, another rock will turn over and someone just like you will slither out from under it." His expression darkened, and he leaned down into her face. She didn't flinch away.

"I'm smarter than all of you," he rasped. "The only reason you found us is because I picked up the phone."

"You picked up the phone because you wanted to brag," the linguist shot back, and it was dangerous to bait him when she didn't think she could get to her weapon just yet, but like all egotists Curtis wanted an audience, even if it was only an audience of one. He'd gone this far, concocted this elaborate plan, because his ego had been bruised. The psychosis was a different issue, but the root cause of it was injured pride.

"You're third rate, John," she said, and he made a fist and hit her. The blow caught her on the cheekbone and knocked her out of the chair, and her left eye watered as she took a risk and tried to get to the gun. Curtis snarled under his breath and trained his Glock on her. Her fingers grazed the butt of the weapon. His bullet tore through her upper arm. Her fingers went numb as blood began to drip onto the floor.

Another shot sounded, and this time the Replicator screamed. Alex instinctively pressed her other hand to her wound, gritting her teeth against the pain. So close.

Curtis had dropped his gun, and his hand was pressed to his shoulder. His gray shirt was rapidly turning crimson. Alex looked past him.

"David..."

"What? You thought I'd leave you here with him?" Rossi asked, pointing his weapon at the Replicator where he'd sat down hard on the floor. The madman glowered at them, but he was fighting shock. Alex watched blood drops patter onto the concrete as she tried to apply more pressure to her arm.

_So much for your heroics._

Behind the senior agent, paramedics had arrived. Two of them began to tend to Curtis, and when one of them approached Alex she turned to David. "Strauss?"

"Aaron went with her in the ambulance," Rossi said. He read the look on her face, read it and knew what it meant. He gingerly touched her uninjured arm. "Let them take a look at you," he murmured. 

She felt like an idiot. The only thing she'd succeeded at was getting Erin out of immediate danger, but she didn't know what kind of shape the blonde was in and she might well have gotten herself killed just now. She grimaced when one of the paramedics began to cut the fabric of her shirt sleeve away from the wound. 

Alex and John made eye contact as he was put on a stretcher. A bulky pressure bandage had been put on the shoulder wound. His other hand was cuffed to the gurney. His mouth twisted into a smirk, and she looked away.

Maybe she wasn't so smart after all.


	18. Chapter 18

Despite Alex's insistence to the contrary, the paramedics said she should come to the hospital and get her arm tended to more seriously, so she reluctantly got in the ambulance and listened to the siren as they transported her. She didn't want to do anything but make sure Erin was going to live, and David had had to give her a direct order to get herself looked after, but in the end she went.

"I'll look in on her for you," he had said before the doors closed. Her arm had been throbbing too badly to argue verbally, so instead she'd just waved him away with her good hand. She felt foolish, foolish and impatient. If Erin died, it was going to be on her head. 

They hospitalized her, and she slept fitfully. The wound was a clean one, and the bullet didn't lodge in her arm, but the attending physician had been firm. Spencer showed up in the middle of the night, and she found him asleep in the chair next to the bed in the morning when the nurse came in to check on her. He started awake, rubbed his neck where it had gotten stiff due to the angle.

"Reid?"

Alex's voice was groggy due to the pain meds they'd given her, and the other profiler sat up straighter. "Hey," he said, knuckling one eye. "How're you feeling?"

"Like an idiot."

She said it matter-of-factly, and he sat forward. "I'm just glad he only shot you in the arm. What were you _thinking_?"

She didn't know how to start. Her terror for Erin had been so all-consuming that her only thought had been to get her out of harm's way, and she'd risked her own life to achieve that end. And then she'd failed, since if it hadn't been for Rossi the Replicator would have killed her without a second thought. Alex looked at Spencer's concerned face, plucked at the sheet that covered her.

"I couldn't let him kill her. Not right in front of me."

Reid's expression was quizzical, and she looked back at him with more openness than she had the night they'd had dinner at David's house. His eyebrows climbed up his forehead as he finally put it together, or at least acknowledged that he'd put it together. She wondered if he'd think less of her now.

"Well. That's...different. She doesn't seem like your type. Although it does explain the cold shoulder you gave her."

Alex looked towards the sole window in the room. The Venetian blinds had been lifted, and late-morning sun streamed across the bed and the floor. "It was stupid to get involved with her," she said after a short silence. "I knew it was stupid, and I did it anyway."

"Does James know? _Did_ James know?"

"He never suspected, and for a while I was so angry with her that what happened between us was like a bad dream. One I couldn't wake up from. When I first came back, I had hoped that that was behind me. I guess I was wrong."

He could see the turmoil in her face even though he could only see her in profile, and he poured a cup of water from the plastic pitcher nearby before offering it to her. She took it without making eye contact. The silence stretched out. 

"Is she alive?"

Reid was re-seated, and he replied, "They put her on fluids to flush out her system. Her blood alcohol content was really high, and it was touch and go for most of the night, but someone told Rossi that she seems to be out of the woods. He's with her now."

Alex sagged against the thin hospital pillow, and she had to fumble the cup onto the rolling table close by before she spilled water all over the bed. She cried a little, and Spencer averted his gaze out of respect. He couldn't judge her for how she felt, not when love was so difficult for him personally. His feet shuffled in place, and he was relieved when David poked his head through the door.

"Well, she's back," he said with a smile, and Reid got up from the chair. "I'm gonna go stretch my legs, see if the cafeteria's still serving breakfast." He touched Alex's shoulder. "I'll be back soon."

Rossi waited until he was sure Spencer was out of earshot, and then he said, "Erin's going to pull through. They managed to get to her in time thanks to you, and she's going to live. " He took up the chair the younger profiler had been occupying, watched Alex's expression shift and change.

"I want to see her."

"She'll be allowed to have visitors tomorrow. By then, they should be able to scrounge you up a wheelchair and roll you down there."

Alex snorted, sour amusement evident in the noise. With the mood she was in, she could have hand-walked to Erin's room, wounded arm be damned. "It's a scratch," she said, and he raised his eyebrows.

"You could have gotten yourself killed, Alex."

"Believe me, Reid already pointed that out, and its nothing I'm not lying here kicking myself over. I was thoughtless and rash and it could have been worse. But it was my fault he got to her in the first place. I was the idiot who left her alone."

"Stop."

His voice was firm, and he'd been worried about this, that she'd try to shoulder the blame. Now that he knew the truth, he knew why she'd done it, and why Erin had never mentioned it when Alex first returned to the unit. 

"I'd have done the same thing," he admitted. "Why do you think I stayed behind?"

She fell silent, studying the window again. "Did _he_ make it?"

"He died in surgery. They tried to resuscitate him, but they couldn't get his heart beating again."

They were silent for a short time. Alex's mouth had settled into a narrow line. She had never actively wished death or anyone before, but this _one_ time, she could probably be forgiven for making an exception. "Good."

"I can stay until Reid comes back if you'd like. Erin was sleeping when I left, and she'll probably stay under for a few hours." He made to get up, a questioning look on his face, and Alex shook her head.

"No, David, you can stay. Let her rest. But you have to take me to see her tomorrow. If she's up for it, I'd like to see for myself that she's okay."

Rossi settled back in the plastic chair, wondering how Reid had managed to sit still for so long. The poor kid's spine must be in knots. "She asked for you anyway. So I'm sure she'll be glad to know you're alive too."


	19. Chapter 19

She was alive. She almost couldn't believe it.

There was a television bolted to the wall of Erin's hospital room, and she was absently watching it. The news had been filled with reports of her abduction and rescue, and she'd finally asked the nurse to change the channel because she didn't want to hear any more of it. She'd survived it, and that meant she didn't need to hear what some talking head said about it.

She'd reeked of alcohol when they'd brought her in, and the IV in her arm was continuing the process of flushing it from her system. There was a tray with food on it close to the bed, but she'd barely picked at it. She hated hospital food, and beyond that she didn't think her stomach would tolerate even soup right now.

David had been here for most of the night. She'd spent the time drifting in and out of consciousness, and had only just woken up from something that resembled a restful sleep. Preposterously, she kept wondering if her AA sponsor would take away her sobriety chip because of this. 

That was better than thinking about Alex, who had offered her life in exchange for her own. Erin couldn't even let herself consider the implications of it. Every time she tried, her head would start spinning in a way that had nothing to do with the slowly receding hangover. She'd known that the feelings still existed on some level. The recent physicality wasn't meaningless coming from someone like Alex. But to take it that one step farther, to put herself in potentially mortal danger to get someone else out of the line of fire, that was even more significant.

_Unless she was just trying to make up for leaving you alone._

Erin shoved the thought aside. That was her uncertainty talking, the insecurity she'd nurtured since the brunette returned to work for the BAU. _Something_ was still there, something complicated and messy and difficult. Would Alex be willing to see her?

The current program went off, and the blonde watched commercials with mild interest. If nothing else, the sound of voices from the set would keep her from going to sleep. If the linguist _did_ visit, she didn't want to be asleep when she got here. They had so much to say to each other.

"You sure you're up for this?"

Rossi asked the question gently as he helped Alex into the wheelchair, and she tried not to sigh too loudly. "Yes, David. Maybe now that neither of us can exactly run away, we can actually talk. I've been avoiding it, but now it's time to stop that."

The brunette was tense, nervous, as her colleague rolled her out of the room and down the hall, but she tried to hide it. How would Erin look? They'd put her arm in a sling to immobilize it, but she'd refused pain medication earlier that morning. The elevator ride to the other woman's floor seemed to take forever because they stopped on every level. She didn't know if this would accomplish anything. They couldn't fix the past, undo those events, but if they could forge somthing new, that could be just as worthwhile.

"Knock, knock."

David said it as he rapped on the half-open door, and Erin turned to look at hi. Her expression shifted when she saw Alex, and she looked at the sling before making eye contact again. She risked a half-smile.

Erin looked pale, pale and tired. Alex's eyes were drawn towards the IV, and her free hand closed into a loose fist. Rossi watched them look at each other, and he coughed quietly, breaking the silence. He guided the wheelchair closer to the bed. Erin had relaxed slightly. Alex hadn't.

"Well," he said. "I guess the two of you ave things to discuss, so I'm going to leave you to it. Have a nurse come get me when you're ready to go back to your room. And don't tire her out." 

Alex's wordless gratitude was clear in her expression when she looked at him, and he touched her good arm. "Thank you, David. For a lot of things."

He stepped out of the room, then paused for a moment before pulling the door shut in his wake. He cared for Erin a great deal, and because he cared he was going to let them deal with whatever existed between them. He trusted Alex not to hurt her. If she _did_ hurt her, they were going to have words.

"You told him?" Erin sounded almost amused.

"He figured it out for himself. I just confirmed it."

There were a million things Alex wanted to say, but they were lodged between her guts and her mouth. The television muttered on, creating a weird sense of deja vu. 

"I meant what I said." Erin spoke at last, unable to bear the silence. "When we were making love, I meant it. I love you."

Alex waited for the anger, the doubt, the hostility she'd felt when she'd first come back. "I almost got you killed," she said quietly, and the other woman let out a breath and shook her head.

"No. You _saved_ me. If you and the others hadn't come, I probably wouldn't have lived through the night. I was furious when your first instinct was to set yourself up to be a sacrificial goat. If I could have stopped you, I would have."

Alex was looking everywhere but at the blonde, but that made her divert her attention back to Erin's weary face. "What did you think, that I was going to let you die?" she asked, appalled. "Even if I didn't care, I didn't want to have to attend your funeral. I never hated you so much I wanted you to die."

"If I could go back in time and not do what I did, I would," the blonde said, her voice gaining a little strength. "If I hadn't been so fixated on how to get ahead, I wouldn't have used your back as a stepping-stone. I don't know how many times you want me to say it."

"You broke my heart. And now you're saying you love me as if that just erases everything?"

"I know we can't start over fresh. Too much has happened. But if you're telling me that you took me to bed as a goodbye..."

Erin let the sentence trail off into nothingness, and Alex couldn't help but replay the sight of the blonde's naked body splayed out for her as she slipped down between her thighs. A slight blush stained her cheeks pink.

"No," she said finally. "No, it wasn't goodbye. It was what you said, I'd wanted to for months. I _do_ still care. Maybe I even still more than care, and I don't know what to do with it. You hurt me, and that matters."

The new honesty was like a rock rolling off of her chest, and Alex slumped against the wheelchair's backrest. She sniffled once, then stifled the sound. She wasn't going to humiliate herself by crying. She heard Erin let out a soft sigh.

"If I could get out of this bed, I'd hug you," the blonde admitted, and Alex actually laughed. She felt like she could _user_ a hug. She didn't know what any of this meant. Erin might be divorced, but she was still married, and James had no idea that she still pined for someone who'd taken a damned fine shot at wrecking her life. If they couldn't have a fresh start, what was left?

"Tell me you don't love me."

Erin was looking away, focusing on the television. She would need to sleep soon, to gather some more strength. She wanted to see her children, who had probably seen the news stories by now. Aaron would probably want to speak to her later. But with Alex sitting right there, she had to know.

"I can't do that. I don't know what to do with it, but...I guess I do love you."

The arm without the IV needle in it lifted, and Erin wiped at her eyes surreptitiously. Alex wanted to hug her, to hold her close just for a minute. Outside in the hall, she heard crepe-soled shoes on the tiled floor, and she said, "I'm going to let you get some rest. David said not to tire you out too much, and I won't. Just try to sleep, all right?"

The blonde heard the other woman call quietly for the nurse, and she knew it meant David would be returning soon. Even the tiniest shred of hope she'd gotten out of Alex's admission had buoyed her up. Clearly the fires still burned, even if it was just embers.

Now if she could just figure out what to do next.


	20. Chapter 20

In the wake of the John Curtis fiasco, questions came up once the firestorm in the press died down a bit. As Strauss' direct subordinate, Aaron was brought in by the brass and officially interviewed as to the nature of Curtis' elaborate plan for revenge. He answered all inquiries with his usual stoic demeanor, keeping it brief and to the point. He visited both Erin and Alex in the hospital as they recovered, and he kept his curiosity about anything remotely personal to a bare minimum. He _did_ wonder exactly what Blake had been doing in Strauss' hotel room before she'd been abducted, but he couldn't quite make himself cross the line enough to ask.

The linguist was released from the hospital first, put on restricted duty until she was deemed fit to return to the field. Her arm as still in the sling. Erin was still confined to her bed, her doctor wanting to be certain that not lingering effects from the forced drinking would come back to haunt her. Alex visited her when she could. Once she brought flowers, something she knew the blonde would like. She added them to David's existing contribution to brightening up the room. Neither of them seemed to know what to say. Erin wanted a second chance. Alex wasn't sure she trusted her enough to give her one. Having admitted that the love was still there, it seemed likely that they could reach common ground, but the brunette still remembered the pain of the past too well to take steps in that direction.

When the blonde was finally released, David took her home from the hospital, having made preparations for her to be comfortable. She'd been put on leave by her superiors pending further investigation, and while she wasn't worried, it _was_ frustrating to not be able to return to work. She invited Rossi into the house, offered him coffee in her kitchen. She could see the questions in his face, and part of her didn't want to answer them. But when he drained his cup and looked at her seriously, it was a relief.

"Why didn't you tell me, Erin?"

"Because it was a long time ago, David. I didn't believe I'd ever see her again after she was demoted. After I _allowed_ her to be demoted. Then she took the spot that Emily Prentiss vacated, and by then you and I weren't dating anymore. I didn't want you to think less of me, or believe that I was using you, because that's what _she_ thinks."

He sighed heavily, pushed his hand through his hair. "You know that isn't possible," he said quietly. "Do you think less of me knowing how many wives I've had? How many times I've had a perfectly good relationship only to screw it up?"

"Of course not," she replied, slightly shocked. "But this is different. I drove Alex away, the same way I drove the kids away. I had some idea that if I protected her, they'd put me on the chopping block next. At the time, I didn't regret it. I'd worked hard for my place in the Bureau. But..."

"But you changed your mind," he said in a patient voice. He wasn't trying to judge her over the affair. Given his own past, it would have been pretty hypocritical of him to point a blaming finger at her. But he cared for her enough to gently prod her for the truth.

"Yes. Yes, I changed my mind. But apparently it's far too late. She won't let me repair things and I'm not going to beg. I don't have much left, but I have my pride."

He quirked an eyebrow at that, smiled crookedly. "You have me," he pointed out. "Maybe not the way we were, but I'd like to think I'm on the short list of your inner circle."

That gave Erin pause, and then she smiled too. David _had_ helped her, both in the aftermath of her divorce and helping her to stay sober since then. He was no longer her lover, but he was still a very dear friend. She rose from her chair at the kitchen table, held her arms out for a rare hug.

He went to her, and the difference in their heights made it impossible for him to see her expression. But he heard her tone when she spoke, and his hand rubbed the small of her back in a companionable fashion.

"I love her, Dave. I thought I was over it. I thought _she'd_ put it behind her as well. But if she won't let me truly make amends, I don't see how it isn't hopeless."

That was when David determined that he should step in. Erin might not like it, and Alex would probably resent the intrusion, but just this once, he was going to overstep. As soon as he figured out how.


	21. Chapter 21

The sling had finally come off.

Now that Alex's arm was mobile again, she felt ready to resume her Skype sessions with James. They hadn't spoken to each other since before the Replicator finally struck, and she knew it was overdue. There were a lot that needed to be said, things she'd avoided because of the physical distance between herself and her husband and her own reluctance to discuss them. But it was finally time for her to be honest, to let James know what she'd been concealing. She loved him enough to give him that much.

"Hey, hon. Long time, no hear."

"Yeah, it's been really crazy around here. You wouldn't believe how much."

Alex had settled in with a glass of wine after her bath, and James was clean-shaven, his hair slicked back. The image wobbled as he adjusted the webcam, and she girded herself for what she was about to do to him.

"We need to talk."

He smiled, and the cam stilled. "Well, I've got time. I'm not on duty until tomorrow morning, and I made sure of the time so I wouldn't miss you. What's up?"

Alex took a fortifying drink of wine, tried to gather her thoughts so she could say this coherently. It wasn't fair to do this while he was so far away, but perhaps in some ways it would be kinder. She'd betrayed her husband a long time ago, she'd just kept it a secret.

"I've been in the hospital. That's part of why you haven't heard from me," she began. "We had a case, old business from the past that came back to haunt us. I don't know if I ever mentioned him by name, but another agent was demoted at the same time I was, and he re-surfaced as an unsub. The Replicator."

"Hospital? Wait, what?" James' smile had faded, and he sat forward in his chair. "What happened, are you all right?"

"I'm fine now. It was a minor injury, and it could have been a lot worse." Alex had examined the healed wound that morning. The scar could be concealed with clothing, and the lack of the bullet getting lodged in her arm meant no shrapnel to worry about. She looked at the tempting glass she'd set aside, refrained from picking it up. Dutch courage wasn't going to help her through this.

"Erin Strauss almost died."

Her husband's expression blanked, then became neutral. "Some chickens do come home to roost," he said, and she smiled a little uncomfortably. She probably would have said the same thing if this had happened when the pain was fresh. Even now, that pain hadn't completely faded. The silence stretched out.

"Alex?" James' face went out of focus for a minute, then became clearer when he stopped fiddling with the camera. "Are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm still here." The linguist took a deep breath, looked at her husband's well-loved face. Was this really going to solve anything, make anyone feel better? Or would it only make things worse?

"That was how I ended up in a hospital bed. Curtis shot me when I offered my life in exchange for hers." Alex's palms were clammy, and she wiped them on the legs of her pajama bottoms where James couldn't see her do it. She watched his mouth open, then close as his eyes narrowed.

"You did _what_?! This is a joke, right?"

"Believe me, I'm not laughing," the brunette replied, and the corners of her mouth turned down as she sat forward. She wasn't proud of herself, and she wasn't enjoying this. James was the last person she'd ever wanted to hurt. She cleared her throat, took a deep breath.

"He abducted her." Her voice was strained, a little hoarse. "He abducted her, and it was my fault."

Onscreen, James ran his fingers through his hair, which was still damp from the shower. He looked puzzled and aggravated. "Spell it out, Alex," he said after a silence. "Stop trying to profile me and just _say_ it."

"I was with Erin the night before she was kidnapped." Alex's voice was very soft, and she had never hated herself more. "I was with her in her hotel room. We were...we were making love."

Dead silence. James got up from his chair and disappeared from view. Alex waited, counted her own breaths. When the quiet became too much, she said, "James?"

"This is a Goddamned joke, right?"

Her husband sat back down, and his damp hair stuck out from having his fingers raked through it. Alex looked away from the webcam and wiped at her eyes. "No. No, it's not. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"After everything that went on before? Everything she put you through? She wrecked your career."

"I haven't forgiven that. I don't know if I can ever forgive it."

More silence. Finally: "How long?"

"It was the first time in a long time." Alex was crying now. 

" **Christ**." James looked angry and near tears himself. He rubbed his face, looked off-camera. Wen e looked back at her, he said, "I'm coming home."

"James..."

"No, damn it, I'm coming home. None of this makes sense. And maybe part of it's my fault. I was always away, and..."

"You didn't do anything wrong. Not back then, and not now. I thought it was over, that I was past it. You're the _last_ person I ever want to hurt, James."

He stared at her, and his expression cramped, but he didn't cry. "You're going to ask me for a divorce on Skype?"

" _No!_ " she said, and she was so startled that she almost laughed. "I don't know what I want right now, and I thought I did. I know what I _don't_ want, and that's to cause you pain. I love her. I love Erin, but if it hurts you..."

James lifted his hand, and Alex fell silent. "I'm coming home," he said with finality. "We're going to talk. The three of us, if it comes to that. I've got a few words for her as it is. If this was going on when you were with the Bureau before, I want to hear her explain herself."

The linguist stopped arguing. James deserved to have his say, and not long-distance. She'd been deceitful for long enough. Of her husband, of Erin, and even of herself.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bringing this one to a close now, and will probably be putting the pairing aside for a bit until I figure out new ideas. And this time, I mean it. For everyone who has been reading and hopefully enjoying, thank you for your attention.

Years ago, before they'd started sleeping together, Alex had been to Erin's house exactly once. It had been for a dinner gathering with some other agents and their spouses, and she'd brought James. After the affair started, they'd seen each other at hotels out of town, and every so often they'd have a quickie in the blonde's office after hours.

In the present, Alex wondered if Erin had re-decorated, especially in the wake of her divorce. The exterior of the house looked the same, but she was still trying to work up the nerve to knock or ring the bell. She and her husband had talked for a while after she'd dropped the bomb, and now he was probably making arrangements to get on a plane for the long flight home. It was nine-twelve in the morning.

Erin was puttering around in the kitchen when she heard the bell, and she left the coffee perking as she went to answer it. She lived alone now that she and Paul were no longer together, although sometimes one of the kids would come stay with her for a few days. In some ways, the quiet was a relief. At least it was a peaceful quiet.

"Alex." She looked down at her clothes, having put on sweats instead of really getting dressed. She was still on leave, but she'd been given the go-ahead to return to work once that time had elapsed. The brunette was the _last_ person she'd expected to find on her doorstep this morning, or really any morning. Erin shifted uncertainly, unsure whether to invite the other woman in or not.

"Hi."

The blonde looked as if she'd only recently gotten up, and Alex felt her stomach tighten. It was ridiculous considering what she did for a living, but words didn't feel like her strong suit right now. She breathed past the constriction in her guts, cleared her throat.

"Can I come in? I know it's early, and I won't stay long. I need to say something."

"Of course. Please, come in."

It had been such a long time since she'd been in Erin's home that at first Alex just stood in the living room looking around at things. "You've redone the place," she commented, turning her attention to the other woman, and the blonde nodded. 

"After the divorce, I wanted a change of scenery of sorts," she replied. "I'm surprised you noticed, actually. It's been years since you've been here."

"Yeah, well..."

The linguist was unsure of where to put herself, and finally she took a seat on the end of the couch. Erin opted for the chair that was farthest away. The smell of coffee drifted in from the kitchen. Alex looked at her hands.

"I told James what happened. _Everything_ that happened."

Startled, stunned, Erin just looked at the brunette. That was even more unexpected than the other woman showing up at all. She swallowed, coughed into her hand. "Alex..."

"It was time, you know?" The linguist's voice was muted, almost thoughtful, and she made eye contact when she said, "I'd been hiding it from him for long enough, and I finally decided to stop lying."

"How did it go? What did he say?" And was it wrong that she felt the tiniest shred of hope?

"He cried. I cried. He yelled at me. Then he said he was coming home. I don't know what he's going to tell the people he works with, but he said that as soon as he can get away he's going to book a flight back to the States."

There was a silence as they both looked everywhere but at each other. Erin wanted to say something inane, to ask Alex if she wanted a cup of coffee, but to try injecting this conversation with even the slightest bit of distraction seemed like it would be in the worst possible taste. So instead she said nothing, allowing the moment the solemnity it deserved.

"I'm sorry," she said at last. "I'm sorry that I keep making trouble for you."

"Stop that."

Alex was looking at her now, and there was something reluctantly warm in those dark eyes. Something caring. She couldn't define what she felt, put a name to it. Things with Erin had always been a little messy. Messy and chaotic and devastating. But no one ever said love was always simple.

"I love you," she said quietly, then lifted a hand when the other woman began to speak. "I don't know what will happen now or if I'm still going to be married when this is all over, but I told James about us because it was time. When you were taken, it opened my eyes. You can't love someone _again_ when you never stopped in the first place."

"Alex..." 

Erin risked speaking again, and this time the brunette didn't interrupt. "Can you forgive me, then? For what I did to you? If you want, I'll apologize as many times as you'd like."

The brunette laughed ruefully, rubbed the back of her neck. "Can you forgive me for almost getting you killed? And then doing a not so wonderful job kicking the unsub's ass?"

"That wasn't your fault. If you hadn't come back, it might have been a lot longer before anyone realized I was missing. You and the others are the reason I'm alive, and I can't be angry because of that. _Won't_ be angry."

Erin's forgiveness tightened Alex's throat, and she looked away because she didn't want to cry. She'd cried enough the previous night. James was on his way home, and the future was uncertain. The possibility of divorce had her terrified, but if her actions had consequences she would just have to live with that. The silence lingered, and she finally broke it.

"I can learn to forgive it. It's probably way past time for that to happen. Even if we can't have a do-over, that second chance you wanted might not be _entirely_ out of the question."

Erin sagged with relief, slumping in the chair, and then she got up and moved to the couch. Her arms tentatively went around Alex for a chaste hug, and after a moment the brunette's arms encircled her waist. One, or even both, of the sniffled. 

"James wants to talk to you when he gets back. He says he wants to hear you explain yourself."

"All right. I owe him that much."

Could they have things the way they'd been? There was no way of knowing that. There was still a lot of hurt to work through. But Erin's new lease on life after the Replicator made her feel as if anything was possible. She let go of Alex, got to her feet.

"You want some coffee? I just finished brewing a pot."

"Please. I could use the caffeine."

"I love you, Alex."

"I love you, Erin."


End file.
